Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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I don't know if you thought of those "tests" or if you grabbed them from somewhere else, but they really hit home. That is about the size of it, funny how true they are.
ReplyDeleteHere are a few "tests" from my/our own experience.
Take your own TV remote control and hit it with a hammer and then scatter the pieces under furniture.
Take a sharp object and repeatedly scratch ALL of your CD's and DVD's.
Take crimson red paint and pour it on your carpets.
Invite all of your friends over, take the cushions off of your sofa and love seat and have everyone participate in a personal trampoline marathon by jumping up and down on the cushions until they are thoroughly flattened.
Aaah well, you really gotta love em though. :)
lol, amanda, thanks for encouraging young women everywhere: with a healthy dose of reality :D
ReplyDeleteTo experience more of a "boot camp" training as an alternative to the self torture which you've described, babysitting for large families can be just as effective.
Oh! I forgot to note that I found this online.
ReplyDeleteMY kids haven't done half of the things mentioned, but I could still relate and I thought a few of you would as well. They should have recommended the 'sippy cup behind the couch' test instead of the fishstick. Yogurt anyone?
Or how about:
ReplyDeleteTake all the expensive tools from the tool box and scatter them in the woods until they are thoroughly rusted or unrecognizable.
First, go invest your life savings in a really nice library of books, and then proceed to break the bindings, rip the pages, and color the pictures. Scatter them all over the floor.
Take all the shoes in your house, select one of each pair, and hide them from yourself. Every time you take off a pair of socks throw away one, and try not to grumble when there are no matches when you wash laundry, or when you can't locate a pair of shoes when it is time to walk out the door for an appointment.
Buy a new wardrobe and go out and slide down the red clay mud hill in every new pair of pants, then wash them in with all your white clothes.
Take the chocolate syrup, eggs, milk, and leftovers out of the fridge, stir them in the beige carpet, scoop up what hasn't been absorbed into a bowl, and set it on the middle of the dinner table for dessert.
Those really did hit home, but I resent Tammy's remark immensely. LOL
I know it was when we babysat *TWO* children for a week that we decided we weren't ready for kids. And within a year we were introduced to parenthood. :)